Doubt

There is this funny part of adult life that smacks us on the side of the head. It is called: reality check. I feel lately I've received so many reality checks, in so short of a time period, that I can hardly keep up. The result? Doubt has been creeping into my mind. The reality that things, people, memories, are not what they seem to be is disturbingly unsettling. My emotional response to these "checks" is a natural defensiveness, followed by deep sadness, followed by a reaction of strength.

It has come to my attention that people I viewed as leaders and inspiration are, simply, neither of those things. In addition, I have discovered that not only are these people lacking leadership and inspirational codes of conduct, they are in fact willing to alienate me and disregard my admiration for them. Nothing inspires distaste in an admirer quite like mockery. The thing is, I don't really give away my admiration and loyalty easily. I pick individuals that show me qualities that I truly love. I observe them for quite some time. And then, loyalty is secured. Admiration is secured. So when I come to realize that these people do not in turn have warm thoughts about me, regardless of their seemingly loving actions, and that beyond my own feelings they are not kind or innovative with others people's feelings...Well, all hell breaks loose in my heart. My disappointment is palpable.

Of course this transition also shifts my own perception of my "self". These reality checks, especially regarding the people around me, cause me to question how these individuals see me. After all, they are truly seeing me in a way I had not realized if they are comfortable with harming me, the loyal admirer. Which of course causes doubt to settle over me about my powers of perception. Is it me? Or is it them? Were they always inconsiderate, two-faced, hurtful bastards? Or did I just miss that memo because I felt like I was in their good graces. The answers to these questions don't really matter. Either way the truth has surfaced. Reality has smacked me in the face.

This situation has also been apparent in relationships over the past few months: shifting perceptions of those whose company I once enjoyed have turned my daily interactions around. And this happening happens to cause another doubt: Is there a problem with my choices in people I choose to interact with? After all, people I looked up to have now been found charlatans. And to top that off, people I consider friends have now turned into names that cause me to cringe when I read them on my incoming call screen. Once again, is it me? Or is it them? The common denominator in these experiences is, after all, me. But correlation is not causation. If it is me, at least I am realizing a pattern, maybe this will teach me how to move forward without such deep disappointments in my friends and colleagues.

I would like to close with my thoughts on "presumption". Throughout my recent "reality checks" with friends and colleagues, I have noticed the unsettling tendency toward presumptions. Presumptions about why people are acting in a way. Presumptions of why people spoke in a certain manner. Presumptions, equal with judgements, seem to be a plague. I listened to a colleague (whom, I will remark, does not consider me a colleague because she views her station as superior) discuss the haste she has noticed in her colleagues movement toward attaining further certifications and education. She remarked that this haste is a quality not really desired in our profession, that obviously these colleagues were embarking on these endeavors for "all the wrong reasons". The amount of presumptions in that statement are obscenely obvious. Firstly, who are you to judge the actions of another because they have been done in a pace different from your own? Secondly, do actions really reflect intentions? I repeat; DO ACTIONS REALLY REFLECT INTENTIONS? And, based on the previous question, is it possible that her interpretation of these actions and intentions were, *gasp!* interpreted wrong? You see, basing your thoughts on others actions and intentions relies on the idea that the observer happens to be interpreting these actions correctly. Now that, my friends, is an awful lot of pompous trust in ones own interpretive skills. I personally do not feel comfortable puffing myself up quite so large.